Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't written in a while; no excuses really, just a lot of different things going on but everything's okay. A while back I mentioned that I had to see a social worker to get some kind of assessment, you know the one I was worried about. Well anyway, that went okay and the woman had mellowed out from the last time I'd seen her years ago. But in the process she sure didn't gain much in the way of smarts and I'm sorry if that sounds kind of mean. To be honest the appointment with her was kind of funny, at least that's how I saw it. First of all she had no idea why I was there, but that was because the office workers at the mental health center hadn't given her my paperwork. Then she spent about 20 minutes dicken' around (one of my hubby's favorite expressions...hee hee) on the phone calling the front desk and even taking a call from another client. Arg!

After all that she settled in and just asked me a lot of basic questions which were all what I pretty much expected. The funny part came when she was asking what a typical manic episode felt like for me and I tried my best to explain it. Then she went on to say that it didn't sound "typical" to her and she wasn't even sure if I was bipolar. I swear to God she sounded like a first year psych student who recites diagnosis word for word from a textbook with a certain smug satisfaction. After I strongly resisted the urge to either roll on the floor laughing or suggest that maybe she should call my therapist who diagnosed me with this (and who has about 25 years more experience) and argue the point with her, I instead tried to calmly explain that not all manic episodes are always exactly the same.  I also tried to explain that I have a different type of bipolar disorder but she didn't want to hear it so I let it drop.

To me, diagnosis aren't really all that important and I know it's just something that is needed for certain treatment and insurance purposes, but come on! It becomes a game with some people in the mental health field that they have to call another therapist, doctor or counselor wrong; I guess it's some type of a one-upmanship and I'm really not intersted in that game. All I wanted was to finish the appointment with the social worker and get on the waiting list to see the psychiatrist. So I did, now it's done....yea.

More importantly though I've been doing some more meditation, writing and reading. I just try the best I can to calm my mind and spirit, to get more in tune with the Goddess and the Source and to  live each day to the fullest. It's the time of Ostara, the time when Spring is at her most ripe and the hours of daylight continue to grow longer. That's what is important in life, along with friends and loved ones. Thanks for listening to my minor venting everyone.

I wrote this poem a few years back and just had a sudden urge to share it. Perhaps because of a friend here who has just suffered a loss and perhaps also for all of those who feel grief and loss in their heart. For whatever reason, here it is...

I am lighting a candle for you
its color is the many colors of your spirit
you think I don't see the tears
that fall, they are dry but they are visible to me

My friend, you tell me that all is okay
but each 'leave me alone'
makes me want to say
that hardening your heart only strengthens
your prison

Just let me stay here a moment
we don't have to solve all the problems
we don't have to figure out all the whys
just sit beside me and let me embrace
your sadness

and we will watch the candle burn
while its flickering light grows stronger

A little minor, worried vent here but tomorrow I have an appointment down at the mental health center. It's not a big deal...the therapist I see on occasion (who is not associated with the mental health center) said that it might be helpful to see a doctor who goes down to the center once a month, so that he can offer suggestions on possible changes for meds. Honestly, I have an almost pathological hatred for psychiatrists, mainly because I've had so many bad experiences with them. But he's supposed to be a "good" one so I'll give it a try.

The only glitch is that because he's associated with the mental health center I have to jump through their bureaucratic hoop and get an initial assessment with one of their social workers first...before I can see the shrink. To me this sounds rather silly, since I've been seeing my therapist for several years and she could easily send them her own assessment and save me a little trouble and money. But no, things aren't that simple; oh well. So I got an appointment tomorrow with one of the social workers and wouldn't you know? She's a social worker that I saw seven years ago when I was first diagnosed with the bipolar and ptsd. To put it mildly, this woman was not pleasant at all. In fact she was quite a royal bitch and made me second-guess my decision to seek help at that time. But luckily, I detached myself from the mental health center, found my current therapist and made some good, positive changes in my life. Even though I'm much different than I was at that time, seven years ago, I dread seeing her tomorrow but hopefully she's found a little peace in her heart and it will go well.

Which leads me to bring up an affirmation last night that had to do with not letting people have power over you or steal away your own personal power. When you feel vulnerable and hurt it can be very easy for people to lord over you, so to speak. There are people who may be feeling their own personal pain and see and easy mark to take out their frustrations on. There are people who are insecure and tear others down in order to build themselves up. Then again there are just some bad, cruel people out there. I know many of you reading can relate to the feelings of being vulnerable, powerless and unanchored. But if you take a moment to still your mind, still your fears, you will find that there is a lot of strength and personal power within you.

I suppose when I feel afraid and vulnerable, it is that wounded child within me who is hurt and abandoned, who is crying out for help...for the help that never came. Over the years in my life though, I've tried my best to reassure that child that all is well now. Sometimes the reassurance works and sometimes it doesn't, but life is filled with lessons and this is one of those lessons.

It's Friday once again and it seems as if this past week flew by. On Tuesday our washing machine broke down with quite the dramatic flair. I had thrown in a load of towels and had just started my morning exercise routine in the living room when I started to notice a slight smell of smoke. At first I thought I was imagining things but when I eventually went to look around I found the laundry room filled with smoke. Thankfully the washing machine hadn't caught fire but it sure was smoking up a storm. Wouldn't you know, it hadn't finished the final rinse cycle so I had to rinse and wring out all those damn towels in the bathtub. I paid for that the next day and woke up with horrible neck and fibro pain. But, to make a long story short, I'm feeling better and we decided to get a new washing machine since the old one was over 20 years old.

I feel as if I want to share deeper things with all of you because, trust me, there are deeper thoughts going through my head than this. But things have been kind of low energy lately and I'm just trying to get done what I need to do. I know a lot of people have been dealing with low energy and viruses lately. It's the flu season and lots of energy shifts are happening too. Sometimes I feel a sense of expectancy come over me that is beautiful, exhilirating and comforting all at the same time. We live in a world that has suffering and sorrows, but there really is a lot of sacred energy and beauty too. It's there, and as often as I can I try to remember that.

Peace to all of you and I hope you all have a good weekend.

It seemed as if I haven't written here on my journal in a long time but I realized that it's only been a week. For some reason it feels like a month! It's been one of those weeks where I feel as if I've been running around like crazy but accomplishing nothing. I think it's time for some serious mindfulness on my part. I was washing the dishes a few minutes ago and my mind was racing around in all directions so I had to tell myself to "knock it off" and just focus on the present moment before I ended up wearing mentally wearing myself out. It worked for a few minutes, but that's something.

Anyway, as I said, this past week has been kind of hectic. At least it seemed that way to me. So for anyone who's remotely interested here's a little recap:

• Got an enormous scare that I might be pregnant but thankfully I'm not.

• Bought an AeroGarden. Expensive, impulse buy... I know. But at least it grows food.
  
• Found out that Pat wants to double up on his high school classes next year and graduate early. Imagine my surprise. I felt like grabbing him and crying "But you're my baby! You have to stay in school as long as possible!" But of course I was reasonable and supportive. Crap, maybe I do need to have another child.
  
• Looked through the instuctions for the dollhouse that I've half completed. The instructions that are for those who are "12 years old and up". Grew incredibly frustrated over the wording for the window hoods and frames. Decided to put it off until later.
  
• Discovered a squirrel managed to defy gravity and somehow get into the birdfeeder that's set up beneath the wooden overhang of our back deck. It was holding with one front foot to the line that the feeder is attached to. Then startled when it saw me glaring from the kitchen; launched itself with its back feet at a horizontal angle. Did a mid-air twist, grabbed the wood overhang and held on by the claws of its little front feet for several long seconds, then pulled itself up. So now, I leave bits of bread on the railing of the deck to dissuade it from raiding the birdfeeder. We now have a regular squirrel visitor and a friend for life.
  
• Spent one day feeling sick to my stomach and barely able to function. I have no idea what was wrong.
  
  Watched the Daytona 500 much to the dismay of my husband and oldest son. They can't understand why someone would want to take over the tv in order to watch cars race around in circles. Of course I can't understand why they want to watch men run back and forth across a basketball court either. I had to fall back on the reasoning that my father used to give me; I like watching Nascar because I was born in the south...so there.

There are a lot of other things I could mention such as the endless housework and annoying little incidents, but I think I'll spare you all of that.  Until next time I wish all of you blessings and joy.